TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely outside of put. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have A different position in which American Gentlemen can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: give Every person a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he ought to halt applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the project, replied, "You already know, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Good tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after locating the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It can be not simply unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Features


Probably the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which company may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The ad campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree can even include:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down services."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It required a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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